An Ode to Carolyn

Today is her birthday. She would’ve been 69 years old. Oftentimes, I yearn just to simply hear her voice again. I wish that I could pick up the phone and she’d be on the other end of it. I wish that I could feel her touch or smell her scent. Shit, I wish that heaven had waiting hours! Something to fill this void. Something to take away this empty feeling I get each time that I think of her, which is every single damn day! I guess you never truly realize how much you could miss someone, until missing them is the only option you have.

Recently, I learned that I never really lost her though. It took almost 12 years to realize that each day that I look into the mirror, that it is her that is staring right back at me. My reflection is hers. And I consider it a gift. I’ve been learning to embrace it.

Twelve years later, as I sit and reflect I have noticed the following:

  • She is the very fabric that makes up the integral pieces that are me.
  • She is the reason that I live life unapologetically with not one ounce of fucks left to give.
  • She is the reason that I am raw, unedited & unfiltered.
  • She is the reason that I love unconditionally and oftentimes, to a fault.
  • She is the reason that I cherish the moments that I can’t remember with the people that I’ll never forget.
  • She is the reason that I work so hard to attain all my goals, dreams & aspirations, regardless of how impossible they may seem.
  • She is the reason that every day I try my damnest to live my best life.
  • She is the reason that I wear my “resting bitch face” like a badge of honor.
  • She is the reason that I am loud AF… and extra AF too!
  • She is the reason that I walk into rooms and fuck shit up and leave and then walk back in and do it all over again!
  • She is the reason that I curse so much & too much. LOL
  • She is the reason that I am me; flaws and all.

This photoshoot came right on time. My photographer asked me what was the vision for my shoot. At the time, I just wanted some dope ass pics for my blog. LOL Just being honest. I had no real rhyme or reason, other than that.

The morning of my shoot, as I got dressed and beat my face, I felt my mother’s presence. Usually the days leading up to her birthday and anniversary date, like clockwork, she does something dope to remind me that she is always near. Something that many might see as just a coincidence, but I see it as a “sign”.  And this year, was no different. So I went into my shoot, embodying her.

Happy Birthday, Momie!

I love you. I always have. I always will!

Random Fact:

Every year, I make such a big fuss about my birthday. Every. Single. Year. The reason I do this, is because of my mother. I remember us talking about planning her a 60th birthday party; she was about to turn 57 at the time. I also remember her saying: “What if I don’t make it to see 60?!” I dismissed her and told her to stop talking like that. Well… she must’ve knew something I didn’t, because she was right; she didn’t get to see 60. She passed 3 months later. Because of her, I celebrate every single birthday; not just those considered ‘milestone’ years. And now, I make it habit to celebrate hers as well!

Photographer: Michelle Flowers Photography

Makeup: Rae The MUA

Outfit Deets: Shirt – Black Girl Magic Tank | Skirt – African Print Skirt | Jacket: Demin Jacket | Shoes: (SOLD OUT) | Earrings – African Print Tassel Earrings

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